(Lee Evans voice) Alright, mate! Gather ’round, it’s time for your horoscopes! Now, I know what you’re thinkin’, "Lee, why should I care about some made-up nonsense about the stars?" And to that, I say, "Fair point, mate!" But, you know, it’s a bit of fun, innit? So, let’s get on with it!
(Ricky Gervais voice) Ah, yes, the ancient art of astrology. Because, clearly, the position of the stars and planets has a direct impact on our lives. I mean, it’s not like it’s just a load of old codswallop. (wink)
(Jimmy Carr voice) Right, let’s get on with it, shall we? Today’s horoscopes are brought to you by the lovely Sally Brompton. And, I have to say, she’s got some cracking advice for you lot.
(Rowan Atkinson voice) Ah, yes, Sally Brompton. A woman of great wisdom and insight. Or, at the very least, someone who’s very good at making things up. (smirk)
Now, let’s take a look at what the stars have in store for you, shall we?
Aries (March 21 – April 20)
(Lee Evans voice) Oh, Aries, you’re gettin’ a bit worked up, ain’t ya? Take a deep breath, mate, and think things through before you do somethin’ drastic. Unless, of course, you’re thinkin’ of gettin’ a haircut. In that case, go for it, mate! You could do with a trim.
Taurus (April 21 – May 21)
(Jimmy Carr voice) Ah, Taurus, you’re not exactly known for your wild imagination, are you? But, apparently, your mind’s been wanderin’ a bit lately. Just don’t take any of your dreams too seriously, or you might end up thinkin’ you’re a chicken or somethin’.
Gemini (May 22 – June 21)
(Ricky Gervais voice) Geminis, you’re a bit of a handful, aren’t you? Always gettin’ into trouble and whatnot. Just try to keep the people who are holdin’ you back at arm’s length, and you’ll be golden. Unless, of course, they’re your parents. In that case, just do what they say and pretend to listen.
Cancer (June 22 – July 23)
(Rowan Atkinson voice) Ah, Cancer, you’re a sensitive soul, aren’t you? Don’t go flyin’ off the handle if someone lets you down today. Just take a deep breath, put on a nice cup of tea, and have a good old-fashioned cry. It’s good for the soul, you know.
Leo (July 24 – Aug. 23)
(Lee Evans voice) Oh, Leo, you’re a bit of a drama queen, ain’t ya? Just be honest with yourself and others today, even if it’s a bit uncomfortable. Unless, of course, you’re talkin’ to your boss. In that case, just nod and smile, mate.
Virgo (Aug. 24 – Sept. 23)
(Jimmy Carr voice) Virgos, you’re a bit of a know-it-all, aren’t you? Just listen to what others have to say today, even if you think you’re right. You might just learn somethin’ new. But, let’s be real, you’re probably right.
Libra (Sept. 24 – Oct. 23)
(Ricky Gervais voice) Ah, Libras, you’re a bit of a people-pleaser, aren’t you? Just try not to come across as too pushy today, or people might start to avoid you. Unless, of course, you’re talkin’ to a salesperson. In that case, just give ’em a good old-fashioned guilt trip.
Scorpio (Oct. 24 – Nov. 22)
(Rowan Atkinson voice) Ah, Scorpios, you’re a bit of a mystery, aren’t you? Just follow your instincts today, even if everyone else thinks you’re barmy. Unless, of course, your instincts are tellin’ you to eat a whole pizza by yourself. In that case, maybe listen to someone else.
Sagittarius (Nov. 23 – Dec. 21)
(Lee Evans voice) Oh, Sagittarius, you’re a bit of a critic, ain’t ya? Just try not to take it out on others today, even if they’re bein’ a bit rubbish. Unless, of course, they’re a politician. In that case, go for it, mate!
Capricorn (Dec. 22 – Jan. 20)
(Jimmy Carr voice) Ah, Capricorns, you’re a bit of a control freak, aren’t you? Just try not to take things too seriously today, or you might end up in a bit of a tizzy. Unless, of course, someone’s tryin’ to take away your phone. In that case, fight to the death.
Aquarius (Jan. 21 – Feb. 19)
(Ricky Gervais voice) Ah, Aquarians, you’re a bit of a rebel, aren’t you? Just get on with the boring tasks today, even if they’re a bit dull. Unless, of course, you’re a rockstar. In that case, just smash your guitar and refuse to do any work at all.
Pisces (Feb. 20 – Mar. 20)
(Rowan Atkinson voice) Ah, Pisces, you’re a bit of a dreamer, aren’t you? Just focus on one thing today, or you’ll end up accomplishin’ nothin’ at all. Unless, of course, you’re daydreamin’ about bein’ a superhero. In that case, just go for it, mate!
And that’s it for today, folks! I hope you found your horoscope enlightenin’ and entertainin’. Or, at the very least, I hope you had a good laugh. (wink)
Here is the rewritten article with each sentence expanded and detailed:
Sagittarius.iStockPhoto / Getty Images
HOROSCOPES IF TODAY IS YOUR BIRTHDAY
As Mercury begins its retrograde phase on your birthday, it’s essential to exercise extreme caution when dealing with information presented to you by others. This is not the time to take anything at face value; instead, scrutinize every detail, fact-check, and verify multiple sources to ensure accuracy. A misstep now could lead to complications down the line, so take your time and be methodical in your approach.
ARIES (March 21 – April 20):
As frustrations mount and you’re tempted to take drastic measures, pause and reassess the situation carefully. Consider the potential long-term consequences of your actions and ask yourself if it’s truly necessary to react impulsively. Sometimes, taking a step back and waiting for the dust to settle can help clarify the situation and lead to a more informed decision.
TAURUS (April 21 – May 21):
Your mind has been wandering into uncharted territory lately, and as Mercury enters its retrograde phase, it’s essential to separate fantasy from reality. Take your dreams and ideas with a grain of salt, and avoid getting too caught up in unsubstantiated notions. This is a time for practicality and pragmatism, not pie-in-the-sky thinking.
GEMINI (May 22 – June 21):
While you can’t eliminate certain people who may be holding you back from your life, you can establish boundaries and limit their influence when it matters most. Today, focus on separating your personal and professional relationships, and be strategic about who you engage with when tackling important tasks.
CANCER (June 22 – July 23):
When faced with disappointment or frustration today, resist the urge to lash out at others, as this could damage their confidence and lead to more problems down the line. Instead, try to empower those around you by offering constructive feedback and support. By doing so, you’ll create a more positive environment and help them grow.
LEO (July 24 – Aug. 23):
Today, it’s crucial to be honest with your loved ones, even if it’s uncomfortable or difficult. Bottling up your feelings will only lead to resentment and potentially harm your relationships in the long run. Approach these conversations with sensitivity and empathy, but also assert yourself clearly and respectfully.
VIRGO (Aug. 24 – Sept. 23):
The more others try to sway your opinion, the more you dig in your heels. However, today, the planets advise you to listen objectively to their perspectives. It’s possible that you’ll gain new insights and learn from their point of view, so keep an open mind and try not to be too rigid in your thinking.
LIBRA (Sept. 24 – Oct. 23):
Be mindful of how you come across to others over the next 24 hours, as they may perceive you as pushy or overly demanding. While your intentions are good, make sure to communicate your needs and desires in a respectful, considerate manner, and be willing to listen to others’ concerns.
SCORPIO (Oct. 24 – Nov. 22):
As Mercury enters its retrograde phase, trust your instincts and listen to your inner voice. Even if others doubt or contradict you, have faith in your gut feelings and act on them. This is a time to rely on your intuition, rather than external validation or logic.
SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 23 – Dec. 21):
While you may feel like criticizing those around you today, try to bite your tongue and focus on building others up instead. Encourage their efforts and offer constructive feedback to help them improve, rather than tearing them down. This approach will ultimately lead to more positive, supportive relationships.
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 – Jan. 20):
The message from the stars today is to avoid making mountains out of molehills. Petty disputes and minor disagreements can quickly escalate, so take a step back and evaluate the situation objectively. Keep the bigger picture in mind and prioritize finding common ground, rather than letting pride or ego get in the way.
AQUARIUS (Jan. 21 – Feb. 19):
While routine tasks may seem mundane, they’re essential for your overall well-being. Make it a priority to tackle that growing list of tasks you’ve been putting off. By doing so, you’ll free up mental energy and create space for more creative pursuits. The time is now, so get to work and make progress.
PISCES (Feb. 20 – Mar. 20):
If you focus intently on a single task today, you’ll be amazed at what you can accomplish. However, if your mind starts to wander, you’ll struggle to make progress and may even find yourself further away from your goals. Minimize distractions, set clear priorities, and commit to your objectives.
Discover more about yourself at sallybrompton.com
